Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
