That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
