I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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