yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
