When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
