There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
