My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
