The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize