I am puke
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
