i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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