I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
