My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
