Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
