his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize