so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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