I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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