I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
