I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
