An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
