Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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