rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
