I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
