Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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