Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
