Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
