So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
