also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
