I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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