Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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