Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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