I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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