turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
