yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
