I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
