Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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