You're so nebulous sometimes
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
