I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
