i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
