This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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