So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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