swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
