Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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