...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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