there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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