Rock
Scissors
Fuck
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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