She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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