how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
