Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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