My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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