Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
