If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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