Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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