Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
