he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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