I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
