You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
