I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
